Red Flag – Halo Effect within Domestic and Family Violence
The term ‘Halo effect’ refers to a cognitive bias where we judge someone based on first impressions without proof of their traits. This is a natural process; as we get to know someone better, we adjust our initial perceptions.
First impressions are crucial. Whether at a job interview or on a first date, we aim to present our best selves. This tactic is prevalent in everyday life, from marketing products to the personas of celebrities. We might see an actor play a kind, heroic role in a movie and expect them to be similar in real life. When they fall short, we can feel disappointed.
In relationships, it's easy to place our partners on a pedestal, seeing them as perfect. That can be all well and good until something happens that you don’t expect. In a healthy relationship, when flaws emerge, both partners work through issues, learning and growing stronger together. But what about in an abusive relationship?
Perpetrators excel at making and maintaining positive first impressions until they have us hooked. We give them a ‘halo’, believing they can do no wrong. They are adept at explaining away their actions, and we believe them.
Abusers perform for the world, showing one side of themselves while behaving differently behind closed doors. This duality shocks those around us when the truth surfaces. People say things like, "But he/she was so lovely," or "they always made me laugh." Abusers often have the ‘gift of the gab’, knowing exactly what to say and how to say it to gain attention and trust. They adapt to different situations, coming across as highly intelligent and trustworthy. They know how to perform to make a good first impression be a lasting impression, so that family and friends begin to trust that their loved ones are safe in their care.
Most children are abused by someone they know and trust, someone the family trusts. How does this happen? Abusers manipulate their way into the family’s circle of trust, gradually earning enough trust for parents to leave their children with them.
While it's natural to rely on first impressions, we need to be aware that abusers often put on a façade. If you have placed a ‘halo’ on someone in your life, look for consistent behaviour. If they are not treating you right, they are not who you thought they were. Remove the ‘halo’ and discuss your concerns with someone who can offer an unbiased view.
If you’re reading this because someone has disclosed abusive behaviour and you can’t believe it, take a step back. Reflect on any small signs you may have overlooked. Ask more questions, listen empathetically, and be supportive. Encourage the person to find a safe way to escape if needed and remind them they deserve better.
If you feel that you are in an abusive relationship, please feel free to contact me or find someone you trust to help you. There are many organisations that will support you, so google organisations near to your region of the world.
Read my 'Great Safe Escape' blog for more information on leaving an abusive relationship safely.
If you have found this helpful to understand the Halo Effect, then please share and link to this blog.
If you would like to know more about my own story, my story is available on Amazon anywhere in the world or in Australia you can buy my book, 'Broken To Be Beautiful' here.
Author information: Xenia Schembri
Xenia along with her husband, Simon, are the founders of the charity At the Ark based on the Gold Coast Queensland Australia. Since 2010 At The Ark have supported families whose children have been abused and families impacted by domestic and family violence.
Previously, Xenia is a childhood sexual abuse survivor and also a survivor of a 15-year domestic violent marriage. Xenia has become a voice for the voiceless and has a passion to prove that the past does not have to negatively impact the future, but positively propel anyone to change to their future.
In 2020 Xenia was Woman of the Year on the Gold Coast Australia and one of Westfield's Local Heroes. She is an international speaker and author of 4 published books. The Brave Little Bear series equips families with self-protective behaviours as she passionately wants to protect as many children as she can and her own story Broken To Be Beautiful.
Here are links to some of her other blogs that you may find interesting.
Red Flags - Co-dependency vs interdependency
Xenia is a trauma-informed qualified counsellor and is happy to arrange a session (or more if needed) to work through any feelings, or situations you are in at present. Please use the Contact Me page to arrange a time.
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